Building Intensity
The next number flipped.
10.
I raised my voice. I clenched my fists. My speech became harried.
"More!"
I yelled and swore and sprayed spit. What words were coming out of my mouth? I didn't know. As my diatribe reached its peak I stood up and leaned in to deliver the final blow.
Everyone clapped.
"Great job James."
The instructor turned to the other students, "how would you rate James' 10-out-of-10?"
"Like a seven maybe?"
"seven-point-five"
"Yeah, a seven."
I was taking a public speaking class1 and we were playing with intensity. A number comes up, and you match the intensity with your speech. I could do the ones and the fours and even the sixes, but a ten? It felt impossible.
I've always been a quiet guy. Many people have described me as calm, collected, thoughtful. Emoting strongly is not my thing. Giving into anger is not my thing.
I used to think it was a virtue that I never got too intense. "Anger doesn’t help" was my mantra. I read books on Stoicism and nodded along.
This may have served me in the past.
In my speaking class, on a zoom call with strangers, non-judgmental strangers, alone in my room, through a webcam, I was still scared to up the intensity. There was a roadblock there. Not a blinking red danger sign, but a detour sign, pointing down the road of suppression. It's safer if you go this way. It's safer if you hold back.
Before we married, my fiancée told me she was scared that I never got pissed off. "I'm afraid that one day you're going to blow up," she said.
I was scared too. Scared of what would happen if I let the intensity climb. What would happen if I let go. But by having never been there, by not allowing myself to go up there, I was guaranteeing a catastrophe.
So I practiced going to a 10. I found a safe place and climbed over the roadblock. I allowed the intensity in and explored it. I learned what it felt like to let go.
On the other side of that roadblock there wasn’t hate or aggression or explosions. There was a clarity of purpose, a drive to action, a pure sense of care.
All of that helped, and I felt a little more okay.
Ultraspeaking is so much more than a Toastmasters class. Highly recommend.